Review by: Eric R. Lowther
Posted by: Root Rot
CHOKING HAZARD (2004)
(DVD release 2005)
Directed by: Marek Dobes
Written by: Stepan Kopriva
Hey kids, it’s Eric R Lowther, aka biguglyhairyscary back again at the Witch’s Hat to bring you yet another foreign example of zombie goodness. This time we’ll be talking about the Czechoslovakian (“Czech Republic” to all you politically minded folks) film “Choking Hazard”, a 2004 release that shows us that zombies have not only come back to American pop culture in a big way but they’re shambling through many others the world over as well. So, I’ll give you a minute to get your zomcom (fuuuuuuck… *sigh*) big-boy panties on before we continue…
What do you get when you mix philosophy and the search for the meaning of life with a diverse group of goofy characters? Depending on the dialog and year, you either get a backdrop for a thinly-disguised romantic comedy or “The Breakfast Club” (which, while I thought was a fantastic movie could’ve really benefited from having the school surrounded by zombies. I smell a mash-up…). When you add zombies and an Eastern European mindset and sense of humor, you get “Choking Hazard”.
Synopsis;
Our story opens with a short bit showing us a raven-haired, leather-clad female zombie hunter bashing a few of the undead. No dialog, no explanation, just a chick in black leather putting the smackdown on a couple of zombies.
After that, we inexplicably jump to video monologs from the different main characters meant to show some facet of their personal lives to later display to the rest of their small philosophy group. We meet the unmarried, progressive and oh so uptight couple in Hanusova and Nedobyl. They claim to be “practically vegetarian”, earth-friendly and constantly compete to see who has the longer stick rammed up their ass. Hanusova and Nedobyl are also the financial sponsors and organizers of said philosophy group and take it all quite seriously, probably more seriously than philosophy is meant to be taken. It’s also made quite obvious to us right from the start that Hanusova is the pants-wearing member of their little team. We also find two young, attractive yet very opposite women in roommates Krenocova and Lefnerova. Krenocova is, in American terms, the rather slutty and free-spirited one while Lefnerova is the more uptight and anal-retentive of the pair and have taken the course for the fun of it and for the credit, respectively. Verner, your typical slacker dude, rounds out the student body and is there basically for the easy credits and for the sheer pleasure in poking fun at the course’s organizers. Rounding out the group is the blind and highly-regarded Professor Reinis, a veritable fount of knowledge in, it seems, every single thing known to man.
The whole group whisks off to a very secluded mountain resort for a weekend seminar where they can fully delve into the meaning of life. And I don’t mean that figuratively. The whole purpose of the course is to discuss and determine the meaning of life via the good professor’s guidance. Here we learn a little more about our main characters as well as a few resort employees. The group starts into a session immediately upon arrival where they go over the participants’ video impressions of themselves and the professor babbles on while the slutty girl looks slutty, her more morally upstanding roommate sits around looking more morally upstanding, the uptight couple demonstrate even more of their uptight nature, the slacker is… well… slacking and the professor shows us how insufferable he can be via his various anecdotes and a knowledge of trivia that would put him into any Final Jeopardy round. We sit through a bit (too much, really) of this until the final participant, Mechura, arrives. Mechura is a porn star who has been invited by the professor and believes he’s there to shoot a movie. When asked for his tape he produces, of course, one of his tapes. After a short but quite funny introduction and explanation, the group takes a short break to allow some mixing and mingling. While this is going on, Hanusova in true bitch fashion barges into the kitchen to make sure the function she and Nedobyl are paying for is proceeding properly and it’s revealed that our porn star is, in fact, a heavily-practicing Jehovah’s Witness complete with pamphlets and copies of “The Watchtower” for the group. Up to this point the movie plays like a straight ensemble comedy that you’re not really sure where the hell it’s heading. That is until we jump out into the woods and see the dead rise from the ground to kill a hapless drunk man searching for mushrooms. These are the “Woodsmen” and they’ve risen from the grave because, well, that’s just what they do, okay?
As the group gets back to their psychological babble the dead stumble their way to the resort and the fun begins. There isn’t an ounce of flannel or cover-alls to be had in this group of woodsmen, though. All wear fedoras or other similar headgear, and a few even have some Hassidic leanings to their costuming for some reason. From here on, zomcom (fuuuuuck…) rules apply. The zombies crash the party, causing the living to split up into two groups; Hanusova and Lefnerova retreat to a kitchen storeroom while the rest lock themselves in one of the guest rooms. Unfortunately, all seem to forget about the poor, blind professor in all this, leaving him to the zombies in an interesting POV (meaning “black screen”) as the professor sees the zombie attack.
We jump back and forth between the two groups as the zombies lay siege to the inn and attack the hotel staff. Slapstick and physical comedy suddenly become the movie’s staples, but in its defense it’s done well. Hanusova and Lefnerova have a few Ya Ya-type bonding moments in their dark storeroom refuge while the larger group (Nedobyl, Verne, Mechura and Krenescova) find a woodsman conveniently hiding in their closet while the rest of the zombies smash against their door. In the ensuing struggle with the closet zombie, Mechura gets bit. After dealing with the dead, Mechura tells the group that he doesn’t want to turn into one of the zombies and asks that the others kill him. This comes off in a very humorous, darkly-comic interchange between Werner and Nedobyl that not only serves its purpose but galvanizes the group to fight their way out. Back in the storeroom, Hanusova and Lefnerova also grow a collective pair and try to make their own escape. They also get their own simple yet effective dark comedy scene involving a deliveryman trapped, yet safe, in a car outside and the women’s possession of that car’s keyless entry remote.
While the two women fight their way back inside to the relative safety of the inn, our intrepid group of now three other survivors has managed to escape their room and makes it back to the kitchen and lounge. More slapstick ensues as they find the carnage in the kitchen from the killing of the hotel staff, and then we really go out into left field when they discover what effect electricity has on the Woodsmen. The dance number is quite funny and I’m not going to attempt to describe it here. It’s a part that you really need to see to understand and I don’t want to spoil it for you. Suffice to say, the scene alone is pretty much worth the price of the movie for zombie comedy fans. The two groups eventually reunite for more goofiness and we learn that while the professor has become one of the dead he still retains his intelligence and humanity due to the sheer bigness of his brain, self control and his belief that he knows the secret of life. Things start looking up for the remaining survivors… until the Uber Woodsmen show up, that is.
We find there are two types of Woodsmen. There are the shambling/fast-walking, mute variety that have been harrying our heroes so far, and then there are the “smart” Woodsmen. These guys not only speak but can run, use weapons, (axes and hatchets, of course. These are Woodsmen, after all.) and for a reason that can be explained only by the director saying, “aww, fuck-all-why-not”, each are accomplished kung-fu masters. Not only do two of them fight each other for no real reason at all, (except perhaps to demonstrate to us that they can do this) one of them is an honest-to-God nunchaku master.
Yes, that’s what I said. Read it again if you need to. The rest of us are moving on.
Anyway, once the Uber Woodsmen arrive on the scene it goes from bad to worse for our merry band. The movie continues its full-on humor/slapstick/zombie munching assault and all goes well. There isn’t much to understand here, even though the movie starts trying to talk to us about the meaning of life between the yuck-yucks and zombie fun from this point on, especially when the professor gets actively involved again. As we near the climax, it does lose us a bit by dropping into weirdly-arranged dream sequences that not only become a little tedious but give us the impression that a few of the remaining characters have some kind of clairvoyance going on. The visions make things a little too convenient for Werner, who turns out to be our main hero after all, and allows him to see several minutes into the future to avoid some unpleasantness in the climax. This ability is never hinted at and no attempt to explain it is really made save for some running commentary that comes out as babbling from the professor. The climax comes and goes rather quickly and feels very rushed, almost as if the makers got to the end of the movie without realizing it and had to throw something together. The final scene does try to tie us back in to the movie’s opening, but with a lack of context and no real explanation in the offing it makes us feel like we’ve just seen the closing scene of an entry in a comedy movie franchise, and it wasn’t even part one.
And now for the nuts and bolts. This thing has exceptionally high production values for its $100k budget and subject matter. The lighting, camera angles and direction are all of high-caliber stuff. The sound quality is also good and the selection of music, especially what must have been pop music favorites in the Czech Republic at the time of the movie’s production, are well-used and spaced just enough not to turn the thing into an Eastern Block music video. The acting was solid, with just about everyone proving that they shift gears between slapstick, straight comedy and terrified-yet-comedic-zombie-survivor roles with ease. I’m giving the script a lot of leeway here, though. I did enjoy it, don’t get me wrong. But I’m sure that the subtitles and translation mixed with the distinctively Slavic brand of humor made me miss a few things. The dialog as it was presented was well-written and performed though, enough for me to give a kudo here as well.
So, we come to the age-old question; is it any good? Well, that’s going to depend completely upon your own sensibilities going into it. First, we shift into surreal gear pretty early on into the movie. If you’re the type that needs your movies to make sense from the perspective of your current reality from word one to the end credits you’re probably not going to get into this one. Also, if subtitles turn you off. This is straight-up zomcom (fuuuuuuuck…) so if you’re looking for a “real” zombie movie this isn’t going to do you any good, either. A healthy love of physical and slapstick comedy is also highly recommended, otherwise I think you’ll get very bored very quickly. If you either enjoy or can get past all that, then yes, I give it a big ole stamp of approval. The zombie make-up is fairly minimal until the Uber Woodsmen show up and the gore is serviceable to well-done throughout. The martial arts aspects do come out of left field, but at least the movie tries to make the distinction between the “normal” zombies and the Uber Woodsmen.
Now, I had did have two main problems with the movie. The first is the lack of explanation about the Woodsmen. Professor Reinis seems to know all about them, but of course no one else really does. I did some light research into the Woodsmen legend and lore and I didn’t find anything that covers this (however, if any of you reading this knows this to be an actual legend please drop a line or two about it in the comments below). Perhaps if this does have some grounding in Czechoslovakian myth and lore it makes more sense to someone from Europe than it does here, but without that understanding it felt like we were being told they exist “just because, damn it”. The second was in its reliance on “the meaning of life” as its underpinning theme. It didn’t mix well with the physical comedy and zombie carnage, and its presentation was too jerky and interrupted to really be as effective a part of the movie as I think the makers would’ve liked us to believe. While it’s not available on Netflicks, if this sounds like your bag you can get the movie on Amazon for $5-$20 as well as through your usual online outlets.
Well, that’s it for me. Make sure you’re checking out the other fine reviews and articles here on the Witch’s Hat, and if you haven’t checked it out yet be sure to give a listen to The Witch’s Hat Blogcast for more reviews, news and other zaniness from Root Rot, Misfit Boy, Kyle (he reeeally needs a nickname, folks. Check out the blog for your chance to give him one and score some swag in the process) and all the rest. So, until next time this has been biguglyhairyscary saying, “See ya, kids”.
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