Reviewed by: Eric R. Lowther
Posted by: Root Rot
Suck (2009)
Written and Directed by: Rob Stephaniuk
Hey, Kids! It’s me, Eric R. Lowther aka biguglyhairyscary here to assault your eyes instead of your ears this time out with my review of 2009’s vampire comedy (“vampedy”?) “Suck”, written, directed and starring Rob Stephaniuk. Now, right off the bat I feel the need to say I’m not a big fan of the writer/director/star concept. It’s usually done by writers or directors that think nobody’s capable of pulling off their shit, and like the fascist quarterback that runs more than he throws it usually results in a whole bunch of people being really unhappy at the limelight-stealing asshole. I don’t think this movie necessarily suffered because of the “Army Of One” concept in its production, but at the same time I have to stand on my principles. There are a lot of great unknown and little-known actors out there. How about giving them some exposure? You’re already getting the cred for writing and directing, so why not save some poor, starving actor from turning to porn by giving them some legitimate work, huh? Okay, got that off my chest. So anyway, with that being said…
The movie opens on The Winners, a hard-luck, struggling rock band, up on stage in a small rock club and doing their damndest to make us believe their an actual band. There’s Joey (Stephaniuk), the beleaguered lead singer and guitar, Jennifer (Jessica Paré), the very attractive bass player, Tyler (Paul Anthony) on rhythm guitar and Sam (Mike Lobel) brings the beat. Hugo (Chris Ratz), a fully-accented French-Canadian, rounds out the group as their put-upon roadie and everyman hanger-on and is chiefly responsible for providing the straight comedy relief. The Winners have been kicking around eastern Canada’s rock scene for more than ten years, but there’s something about this year that Joey thinks will really take off for the band. After the show, their smarmy manager, Jeff (played oh so very well by Canadian comedy veteran Dave Foley) agrees out one side of his mouth while quitting the band’s management out the other even as the band is getting ready to go on a mini-tour of Canada that will eventually bring them into the lower 48 and culminating in a booking with an industry rock show in NYC that could finally lead to their big break. Adding to his stress over Jeff quitting representation is seeing his band mate / ex-girlfriend Jennifer getting talked up by a tall, overly pale Goth townie and a bartender that seems to know his soul (Alice Cooper in just one of the many great cameo and long-cameo roles in the film). Jennifer decides to leave the band for the night to go party with the local Goth when Joey tells her they’ll be spending the night in the group’s hearse (no beat-up old van for this aspiring rock group) to save money for the road. Joey is obviously uncomfortable with this for many reasons but tells her if she’s not on time to leave tomorrow they’ll go without her. Jennifer goes to the party and discovers what all of us already knew; the Goth is a douchey vampire that surrounds himself with other, equally douchey Goth vampires. The bonus is that the douche vampire plays the same stale, 90’s-styled Goth rock that The Winners play.
Morning comes, but Jennifer doesn’t. The band waits for her but finally has to leave to make their next gig, leaving her behind. The band arrives in the next town, broke and hungry enough for Joey to go to another ex-girlfriend and model, Susan, for meal money. We find out that Susan is less than enamored with Jennifer, and once she finds out that Jennifer was left behind she not only gives the band money but agrees to come to the show later that night. Hugo, the roadie, is assigned to play bass for the band’s set that night even though he barely knows how to hold the thing, and we’re off. Luckily for the band, Jennifer does show up at the gig, and damn is she hot. It’s also pretty obvious to us that she’s a vampire, and perhaps only slightly less of a douche than the vampire that turned her. We also meet Van Helsing, an aging, eye patch-wearing vampire hunter with a stake to grind hammily played by the great Malcolm McDowell.
This flick is a lot more contemporary than those I normally review here, and as such I don’t really want to go much further with this synopsis. What I can tell you is that the acting in the piece was quite a bit better than I was expecting. The script is a little loose and rough in more than a few spots though, and while the direction is competent we’re also not seeing any kind of innovation or risk-taking here like you would expect from this kind of project. The movie definitely plays for laughs and takes the vampire element only as seriously as it absolutely has to. The biggest thing this one has going for it, and why I recommend you take a look at it if this sort of comedy works for you, is in the cameos. Somebody must have owed somebody that must have owed somebody some favors along the way. Along with the strong performance by Foley and a great turn by Alice Cooper (who ended up getting a lot more screen time than I thought he would, much to my liking), you also get such notables as Alice’s daughter, Calico, Henry Rollins as a loud-mouth rock and roll deejay, Iggy Pop as a bitter veteran record producer / former rock star and a few others, and McDowell’s performance is almost worth seeing the movie in its own right. Make sure you get some friends and beer and see if you can spot the rest. Make a drinking game out of it. It’ll be a hoot.
The nuts and bolts of the thing seem to work out okay, though when you have the kind of cameo and extra talent this film just had lying around the place it practically demands you do something more with it. Sadly, the cameo spots work more because of the ones filling them than in any credit I can give to the direction or script. I can’t help but think if Stephaniuk would’ve passed one of his hats to someone else and concentrated on just a few elements instead of all of them it would’ve made for a tighter, cleaner product. As it is, the movie is definitely watchable and is paced well enough to keep your attention if you like this style of comedy/horror when the emphasis is on the comedy. The biggest problem I had with the movie wasn’t necessarily with the script, acting or directing, though. My biggest problem was with the music. I wasn’t expecting anything great here to start with. Movies that focus on a fake band rarely have any great musical interludes (before you start raging in the comments section, yes, Spinal Tap is certainly the exception to the rule). But unless Stephaniuk was trying to show us exactly why the band had been working for 10 years and still had to borrow money from ex-girlfriends to eat, we get just really horrible, horrible 90’s era Goth and indie rock. It’s just… look, it’s just bad, okay? I mean, you have guys like Iggy Pop and Alice Fucking Cooper in your movie and you can’t convince them to give you a little extra somethin-somethin for the soundtrack?
Well, anyway, if this one sounds like something that will tickle your giggly spot you can get it from Amazon and your usual online outlets for around $15. You can also stream it or rent the DVD through Netflicks, and I would strongly suggest you do so if you can before buying it outright to see if it would be a good fit for your DVD shelf.
Well, that’s it for me. Make sure you’re checking out the “Witch’s Hat Blogcast”, the audio companion to the “Witch’s Hat Blog”, as well as the spin-off single-movie review show, “Joanie Loves the Witch’s Hat” for more just fantastic news, reviews and other stuff from a good bunch of great people. “Joanie Loves the Witch’s Hat” is a fantastic concept for a short, single-movie review show, and it’s one you can most certainly jump in on to snag your 15 minutes of podcaster glory, forever securing your name amongst the hallowed greats of non-profit podcasting and all the podcast groupies that entails. So, until next time this has been biguglyhairyscary saying, see ya, Kids.
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Sounds like an iinteresting enough film.
I’ll have to check it out