Reviewed by: Eric R. Lowther
Post by: Root Rot
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)
Written and Directed by: Lucifer Valentine
Hey kids! It’s Eric R Lowther aka biguglyhairyscary coming to you this review-time with my hat in hand and paying my apologies forward for bringing you 2006’s “Slaughtered Vomit Dolls”. There are claims that this was actually written, that it was directed, and there’s even one that it is an actual movie. I am here to tell you that none of those things are true.
Synopsis;
It’s supposed to be a study of a young woman as she falls deeper and deeper into madness bred by a fractured childhood and a misspent youth. What we get are a few lines of dialogue alluding to this, all of them horribly overproduced and slowed to a crawl, in between torture porn of several young women being, as the title points out, slaughtered vomit(ing) dolls.
Yeah, that’s it. That’s the synopsis. No “fun facts”, no ribbing of the thing’s little flaws and oddities. Mostly, that’s because this isn’t really a film. This is nothing more than disjointed images of young women being killed in a variety of torture set-ups interspersed with what are supposed to be home videos of our protagonist (and I use that term incredibly loosely here), Angela Aberdeen, as a child. Some of the women have “execution” dates and cute little nicknames superimposed over the start of their segments, where they are shown as willing victims to serial killers. There’s no plot, no story, hell, this isn’t even mondo or faked snuff. It’s just what I’ve described and nothing more and, in some cases, actually less.
The technical aspects of this are what you would expect as far as the look of it. The cuts are jumpy, the quality is grainy even though it was obviously shot on video, and the switching from black & white to color adds nothing to the presentation. The only thing the movie has in its favor are the physical effects, especially if you get your rocks off on bloody breasts and torture porn.
Is it any good? Well, anyone that’s read or heard more than one of my reviews knows I don’t like to give a quantified rating to a movie. In all but the most extreme cases, I won’t even tell you flat-out to not see a movie because everyone is different. What I really didn’t like someone else may love. That doesn’t apply here. I wasn’t shocked at the depictions, I wasn’t appalled at the writer/director’s “shocking” use of violence and sexual imagery to get their point across. I’m far too jaded a movie-goer in specific and a human being in general for a juvenile bit of bloody sex fantasy like this to do anything of the sort to me. There is no point to this, there is no theme, plot or story arc. You won’t care about Angela, no matter how many videos of her as a cute little kid you see, and you won’t care about any of the rest of the “characters” that willingly get slaughtered and puke rivers of vomit (supposedly attributed to Angela’s bulimia yet used here for nothing more than shock value) for the appeasement of their killer/lover/tormentor. You won’t care about any them because the movie doesn’t give you a single reason to.
I can’t in good conscience recommend this piece of shit to anyone. If I did give ratings to movies, this would be zero. Now, I know there are some of you out there that feel your sense of taste, refinement and understanding of edgy, art-house indie fare far exceeds this simple biguglyhairyscary. There will be some of you out there in Witch’s Hat-land that will automatically want to see this thing just because I said it’s not worth it and try to find some hidden meaning that my poor old mind just can’t devote enough brain cells to deciphering. Yeah, good luck with that. Make sure to leave a few pretentious comments below, and if you do, try to make them make more sense than the movie itself. If even after all this you still want to see this steaming pile of gopher guts it’s available from Amazon and your other regular online outlets for about $20. It’s also available thru Netflix and can be streamed. But before any of you do rush out to see this, I will give you fair warning; the violence depicted is graphic, both in the visceral sense and its treatment of women, and if you are anything even remotely close to a “sympathetic spewer” (i.e. you can’t even hear someone throw up let alone see it without tossing cookies yourself) you will have a very, very bad experience with this one.
That’s it. I’m done. Tipping my hat to everyone and getting the fuck out of here. See ya, kids.
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